The void does not chase, it's already in you. So keep a light.
The void does not chase, it's already in you. So keep a light.
"Mattie please chill." groans this young girl in particular.
Sure no one else can see them in the cave but it was still so embarrassing! Why does he have to be like this? June wrapped her blanket around herself further, as if it could somehow shield the feelings of cringe. But no the image is seared under her eyelids now.
"It's so beautiful."
"It's a god damn toilet Matt! Stop caressing it!"
On the half construction cave floor, a tall bespectacled boy was near weeping. His arms flung around a fresh out of the box granite white device that while boxy, was still clearly a toilet. Just like June complained about, and Mattie was clearly very emotional over it.
"Exactly! A gorgeous clean toilet! With auto composting, separate chambers for liquids to solids, and odor eliminating. A fucking toilet that works in the middle of nowhere! Bless! "
"Did you like...memorize the entire manual? Are you a toilet salesman?" June deadpanned, truely wishing that she wasn't related to this person at the moment.
"Self- contained composting toilets June! Do you know what that means!?"
"It means you're a weirdo! Like some toilet otaku."
"It means sanitation you heathen! Clean! No more having to piss or shit outside like animals!"
"You're a guy! You can go anywhere!"
"Sanitation does not discriminate! Where do our shits and waste go? In sloppy trenches? Out in the sun to bake? Just there to contaminate and spread bacteria and disease!"
Sophie crushed the styrofoam and cardboard packaging seemingly without care as her younger siblings argued. It would make good insulation in some areas.
"I get it! I get it, just get off the floor and stop hugging the shitty toilet!"
"It's a wonderful toilet! There's little to no maintenance required and it works with little electricity or running water. This is top of the line outdoor goods! You don't get to use the toilet since you don't appreciate it!"
"Sophie got it for all of us!" the teen girl cried, failing all her attempts at physically pulling her tall lanky brother up.
"Go dig an outhouse June!"
"How about you dig an outhouse and I push you in it!"
"That's doesn't even make any sense? I don't have to dig anything now that I have this baby!"
Throughout the entire exchange, Mattie was still holding on, as if it were a treasure. Which given the circumstances, it technically was.
"Actually you'll both still have to dig outhouses if you want a set place to go outside the cave." Sophie interrupted.
They could talk as they liked but the foundation of the floor outside really had to be prepped and the luggage put away properly. They should have a patio sort of thing constructed to better protect the roof and entrance of their cave.
In the future, when others would inevitably come, Sophie planned to have it appear as if they built a large hut against the mountain. Hiding the entrance in plain sight.
Then there's the flooring to be done as not to leak or flood with any rainwater.
Really there was a never-ending checklist of things to do. That is always going to be the case on the island but right now, before their first monsoon season hit, they really had their work cut out for them.
"Sophie I need you to know no matter what I have said before I love you with all my heart."
"Shut up Mattie you suck up, it's the toilet you love!"
"Cleanliness is next to godliness and you young one, are ignorantly wallowing in filth and sin."
As much as Sophie enjoyed watching the strange sight that was her siblings arguing over a toilet, they really had better things to do. At least Mattie loved all the modern off-grid gear she managed to get on that plane. Cost quite a lot but it's more than worth it in this sort of place.
That's why they had to clean up quickly, at least get the flooring done. Then they could set up their power systems and water tanks. When the monsoons come, they'll have a safe and comfortable home to ride out the storms.
There was still food to gather, charcoal to make and wood to dry. If possible she would like to get two ovens built and dried. There was stone, grass and clay to collect for it all.
Sophie knew from personal experience how much work it was going to take. Even between the three of them. But it was going to be alright, a hell lot better than the last lifetime. That much was for sure.
"Oh my fucking god no. Noooooooooo."
"Two! Two toilets! Holy fucking shit Sophie-jie. I love you. I love you very much. Best sister award forever goes to you."
"Why are you like this?!"
"Two toilets June! Do you not see the clear benefits!? Who else on this island has a legit clean toilet let alone two of them?! Is that? Is that a shower?! A camping shower!? It gets hot!!!"
"Ohhhhh my god."
"Move June, I have a manual to read!"
Down below people are getting sick and going hungry. They're burning from sun exposure and pests that relish in soft flesh and new fresh blood. The main group is far from finding their footing, still busy with the physically taxing migration. Most don't even have a shelter over their heads, let alone a truly safe place to sleep.
And here her siblings had the luxury to argue about toilets. This is the life Sophie has provided for them.
She turned on the hand drill, holding it like a shotgun. The high pitched noise halting all conversation.
"We, are getting to work. June- let Mattie have this. Mattie, step away from the toilets and get to flooring. Go."
They never voted on who would play leader among them. It was just obvious that the role was Sophie's. If it wasn't, Mattie would have most certainly handed it over to her anyways. His gratefulness for modern conveniences and cleaning devices made his eyes sparkle.
As much as June was second handly ashamed for Mattie, she was of course very grateful.
They didn't need a lifetime of survival struggle to know this was the VIP benefits of sticking with Sophie. Their big sister was the best. Sleeping bags, food supplies, power systems and now the stuff in the check-ins and luggage. All these practical things along with her knowledge turned a dire deserted island situation into something of a long camping trip.
It was just time to turn camp into something more permanent.
Admittedly, building anything went a lot faster with some modern tools. Up here as isolated as they were, they could drop all pretenses on what they had at their disposal. Sharpened stone can't match up to crafted titanium or stainless steel. Wooden sticks and heavy rocks had nothing on electric tools with cushioned grips.
Wood and bamboo split easily like butter under a warm knife. Holes were speedily drilled and the foundations to their immediate space outside the cave's mouth were set up.
Inside more rock and stone was cleared, swept and smoothed out. Any part of the floor that wasn't solid stone got the bamboo tiling treatment before laying out new larger mats over the space. The wild grass took time to process but they were much longer, and softer, to weave into flooring mats. They would have the time
It took all day to build and continuously gather the materials but it was more than worth it.
The cave was looking a lot cleaner, more like a liveable home with the cleared out space and half-covered floors. There was still some space inside the den-like dwelling, room to expand when the time called for it.
Sophie keeps busy, keep everyone busy till evening.
Throughout the day she does not ignore but neither acknowledges the black bag that does not belong to her.
Ryo's case is still there, sitting on their cave's new floor. Like it belonged there.
June didn't ask, assuming it to be another one of the many things Sophie has brought. Mattie didn't push it, knowing just how unready she was to confront something larger than a coffee cup. It's dark by the time she can bring herself to touch it, unzipping the contents.
She expects the bits of spare clothes and his scrubs but it was his practical tools she was looking for.
That was the point of it all, taking a doctor's bag. Stethoscope, pocket diagnostic set, a roll of his personal surgical knives and set, sphygmomanometer, pulse oximeter, hammers, some clean syringes and needles in various sizes. Bits and parts of various first aid kits not yet used up.
Good, she could use this. Or at least know people who would trade well for them.
But like any personal luggage, there are belongings that make it uniquely Ryo's. A locked laptop, a protected phone, noise-canceling headphones, a dead pager, solar-powered battery banks, leather wallet, stationery case, penlight, men's grooming kit, bottles filled with handmade oil sanitizers. Tech wise Roy had good stuff. He was a good part where Sophie got some of her ideas from when packing.
She can't deny he was smart, that he was and still is very useful.
She can't deny a part of her still cares.
The pockets held the little things. More random travel bottles, filled with his experiments. He figured out how to grow some form of penicillin despite the lack of supplies. She wouldn't know, not her specialty. She had no use for it if she didn't know what it was. Didn't have a lot of use for the little personal things.
She can't bring herself to throw them away.
Two packets of familiar cigarettes, his favorites, still untouched. Ryo rationed well, saving the good stuff and smoking what substitutes he could identify.
Sophie turned on the black vaporizer, no larger than a pen, and the little light glowed blue. Peppermint, with something else, dried and rolled in.
"I didn't know you smoked."
A slim girl in a high ponytail climbs up the outside crook of the cave, using the makeshift ladder, and takes a seat beside Sophie. The night air blew cool, summer or not, and June shivered. Despite her words, she doesn't sound surprised.
"I didn't," stated Sophie simply.
"But now you do?"
"It's a bad habit. Don't start."
"There's not really a place to buy any more around here." June shrugged.
Her sister wasn't exactly lying, but she never told the full truth. At least not to June. She knew that, knew how Sophie played to the crowd and evaded masterfully. Picked up bits and pieces of it herself where she could.
"I don't really smoke." at least not anymore.
The vapor she blew out smelled of mint, not tobacco. Ryo always had good stuff, and Sophie relished in the breath. In and out. Exhale and inhale. Back again, the weight comfortable on her fingers, her lips.
This was what June saw, familiar yet not.
It was her sister in the quiet moments, hiding outside by the alley, snubbing out her hidden cigarette when she thought June was asleep. When Sophie came back in again, June could only hope that her sister would finally get some rest. Or at least get nagged by Mattie enough to relent.
This was still her Sophie- working too hard and sneaking off in the middle of the night when it gets too hard. The vape cig thingy was new.
The melancholy, this indescribable sadness that Sophie always seemed to carry, was not. It was just heavier, far worse than June remembered.
"Look. I know you and Mattie have this whole secret language or whatever. I know you're still keeping things from me....I'm not mad....Like no lie I'm kinda sad about it but I'm not really mad. At least not at you guys. Not about that. I just, I just wanted you to know that you can talk to me too. Ok Sophie? "
She was trying, Sophie could see how June was trying and nodded her head pleasingly to her sister. It still wasn't enough for June though.
"Sophie....could you tell me?"
No, Sophie didn't answer. Not yet. They had agreed they wouldn't tell June about the other effect of the snake bite. Not just yet. Maybe when the monsoons were here. If June asked what they were keeping a secret from her, she couldn't tell this part just yet.
"Hmm?"
"Can you tell me what happened the last time? In your dreams? Can you tell me what happened that makes you look at Mattie and me like that?"
"Like what June-bug?"
"Like we're going to melt away. Sometimes you look like we're this like ice cream sundae and instead of being all happy about it you're just sad. Like we've gone and melted and you're this really sad kid that didn't even get one bite."
Sophie hummed, neither agreeing nor disagreeing.
"That's quite the metaphor."
"Can you tell me why?" June tried again, biting her lip.
That's all she could do. Try and try again.
That's what she should have done earlier, instead of pretending to be asleep. That's where she went wrong. She wasn't mad anymore but she used to be, at how close her older siblings were to one another. How they leaned on one another.
But it was Mattie that waited up, nagging at the secret drinks and smokes scents clinging to Sophie after midnight. It's Mattie who called her out while June played along, scarred of further stressing her eldest sister out. Everyone needed a break, a vice. She didn't mind if Sophie had hers. Sophie was by no means perfect, she was human and always so tired.
It wasn't so much her words as it was the stubborn will behind it, that makes Sophie peep open the door, just a bit.
"You died. You both died. Maybe that's why I look at you two too much like melted ice cream."
Goop. Goo. Rot.
Nothing but blood and bones. They all returned to the dirt but the process in between was horrifying. Sophie has seen her fair share of corpses at all stages of decomposition. They don't scare her.
It's who the bloated corpses were once, that's what haunts her.
June seems to make up her mind, resolving herself even further. It's not that she suddenly became braver, she certainly didn't feel any different. But the sight of Sophie blowing smoke alone in the night, with nothing by the stars for company, something about that makes her want to cry in shame and frustration, maybe something more. Brings her right back to those nights right after her parents' death. Mattie pacing himself sick in the kitchen, cutting pieces of himself off to fit. Sophie outside pretending she wasn't smoking, wasn't breaking.
And all June did was watch through peeked doors and slips in the blinds.
She did this, she let them keep things from her. If she let them, that's what they will continue to do. Not because they hate or distrust her, far from it. They love her too much and all she does is take and stay safe.
She's tired, angry and tired. Mostly at herself, and ok at the world. She's only 16 and life sucks ok, it's not just the hormones saying that.
"Tell me how."
"Tell you how what?"
"Tell me how I died."
More mint, the vapors light, practically nothing compared to cigarette smoke. But there was something still comforting to Sophie about the movement of breathing and exhaling.
She considers the little girl in front of her, and takes another long inhale. The black pen glowed blue instead of orange at the tip. If she closes her eyes, Sophie can still see everyone as they were. Dead and buried.
"Are you sure? I won't sugarcoat it for you."
"I'm sure. Please tell me."
"It will give you nightmares."
"Will it help yours?"
Sophie doesn't know how to answer that. So she doesn't. Instead, she gives June what she wants to know so badly, ready or not.
"Childbirth. To a stillborn. I watched you scream out your last breath and die right there, umbilical cord still attached. "
"Ohhhh yeah that's creepy, makes me think of that Alien movie bursting scene or something."
"Hmmm. Wasn't a movie though. At least not to me."
June wanted to make another joke, anything to lighten to mood. But there was never anything she could do to lighten Sophie's load was there?
"So...I died because of a baby? Who was the father?"
"I don't know...you were gang raped. I don't think you knew either."
Now that, that June felt. That was the shock that actually made fear run through her core. Death sounded like a far away concept, especially death by childbirth. It sounded fake. Getting assaulted like that though? That was enough to terrify any girl, no matter what age.
"...Oh."
"Yeah."
"....I ...I couldn't have.... I couldn't stop it?"
"It's **** June. There wasn't much you could do."
Except tell me, you could have told me. A part of Sophie seethed with misdirected anger. With a scorning rage that drove her to seek blood and retribution a thousand times over.
This should scare June off. She asked, and now this is what she gets. The cold hard truth. If the cigarette were real Sophie would have crushed it by now.
"What did they do to you then?"
The question made her pause like a button pressed on command. When the play button starts, Sophie laughs. It sounded like a sweet girl's lovely laugh and it was just haunting.
This is the same girl, the same June. Same question. A lifetime ago she asked the same question.
"What did they do to you!? Sophie I can't keep watching you like this! Oh God Sophie what have they been doing to you!" she had sobbed.
Stupid girl, there were no deals to be made. Stupid lovable girl, she wasn't helping Sophie any by sacrificing herself like that. That's just what they wanted.
But then again, Sophie was also at fault for keeping June so shut out. No one could have protected anyone on this island.
Leon was right. June held Sophie back then, and it's not like both girls didn't know it themselves. That was how June thought she could help, cornered and defenseless. That was June being brave.
No matter what humiliating things they made her say, Sophie knew best what had really happened. **** was ****. The months of abuse and tears before June's tragic death confirmed that.
It was like a bad porno.
Take me not her?
What kind of sick fuck actually enjoys that kind of shit in real life? Sad rats like Wilson who fantasized the unreal? Macho muscle men like Foster who thought with their dicks and helium inflated egos? There were so many of them! So many types!
Charlie. Charrrrlie! Good old Charlie, still alive right at this very moment. God fucking Charlie!
Sophie was actually getting excited. She almost couldn't wait to taste him again. Taste how he screamed and cried when she ripped holes through his guts and genitals. Again and again. Like making love slowly.
Was that what it was like for men? Because that's sure what it felt like to Sophie.
So Sophie laughed because she didn't know how to correctly process these god damn feelings. She didn't know how to then and she god damn doesn't know how to now. Not with all this work to do. All these ghosts, for better or for worse.
She laughed herself hoarse and when she finally settled down to breathe, she finally noticed that she was buried in the crook of June's neck. Her sister holding her tight in an almost desperate hug.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"You don't know what you're sorry for June.'
"I'm sorry Sophie." cries the girl.
Sophie could always tell when June was crying, her larger frame shaking despite the teen willing herself not to.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there."
"Don't be silly. I wouldn't want you anywhere there."
"I'm sorry. You don't have to tell me that part. It was really scary right, really scary and painful. I'm sorry."
"Don't say sorry. They don't do anything. I'm sick of sorries."
A hot tear escaped, rolling down Sophie's cheek. She nearly dropped the cigarette pen in surprise. Her hands felt clammy, freezing against her face and she reached up.
"You said sorry a lot then too. When you were dying. You just kept saying sorry."
"I'm sorry."
"I didn't want to hear your last words be sorry."
"....."
"No more June. You never had anything to be sorry for. I don't want any more sorries from you."
Cold hands creaked and gripped at June, turning her head to fully face Sophie, like stone coming to life. She was smiling brightly but the wide-open look in her eyes was anything but.
"We don't say sorry to anyone, we don't let them. We will make them beg and we show no mercy. Do you understand June?"
June does, but she doesn't want to. The girl in front of her right now didn't look like her big sister. Sophie wasn't ever so...dangerous? She knows, she knows how Sophie had her hidden dark sides. Everyone did. She just never imagined it would look so vicious. With her dark pupils blown wide, her sister looked feral, she looked like she enjoyed it.
"It still scares you. I scare you."
Sophie chuckles darkly and for a moment June thinks she's gone a little crazy herself. As terrifying as her sister was, at the moment she looked kind of sexy? A disturbing sight more than anything.
"Yeah. Sophie I'm scared. I'm scared of a lot of things. Scared of the now, scared of the future. I'm really fucking scared but more than that I'm scared for you."
What did they do to you? What did they do to make you like this? What will they do to you?
But obviously Sophie won't answer and June doesn't want to dig up these skeletons. Not when a poke does this. Because as much as Sophie scared her right now, it must have been thousands of times worse for Sophie. Living in those moments, dreams or not.
"You scare me. You scare me when I was a kid and got in trouble. You scare me when I was 13 and you dragged me home when mom told me not to go to some party. You're my big sister, of course, you'll always scare some part of me. Mattie too."
She takes Sophie's hands, which were frighteningly cold to the touch. Knuckles gripped white. June gently massages them, blowing warm breaths, trying to get Sophie to come down from where's gone.
Because obviously Sophie wasn't quite here with her. Not really.
She's no Mattie, she's not as patient as he is. But damn it, she wants to try to be there, on the other side of the bedroom door. She wants to be there with Mattie in the kitchen, wants to stop him from making his 8th cup of coffee. Wants to wrap Sophie up in blankets when she finally comes in from her 3am smoke breaks. June wants to stuff both of those idiots into bed and shut up their god damn fears for just a moment. Enough for them to rest!
She wants to stop pretending to be asleep.
"June.....I'm not a good person." breathes Sophie, tears still running hot despite the beautiful half-crazed grin.
June doesn't like it. But she doesn't have to like it to help.
"I know. I know you're not. It's okay. I'm not either. It's okay."
"I'm a really scary person."
"It's okay."
"I'm going to do a lot of bad things. I'm going to hurt a lot of people. Really hurt them."
"It's okay. Just stay safe, just come back home to us in the end ok?"
It's not sorry. Sophie much prefers this to sorry.
They stay that way in the dark for a long time, no longer talking. Just breathing a little easier. The release of pressure that comes after a storm. It was almost peaceful.
Until a blissed-out voice sang from down below, echoing from the cave.
"Yooooo the hot shower has been installed, christened and I can say it works great! I am so clean, so blessed. My skin is cleared, my crops watered and...guys? Sophie? June? "
This time the both of them laugh, and it's a lot closer to normal. Whatever that means.