G&A
G&A
I take back what I said. I'd love to have another baby with Angela, but after witnessing her go through seven hours of labor, I don't think she's ready for another one any time soon and neither do I. It felt crippling to watch her in pain and not be able to do anything about it except let her crush my hand that I seriously thought she would break.
If only I could endure all that pain in her stead, I'd do it.
But Angela was impressive. How impressive? She was cursing here and there—both the dirty way and the Angela way—whenever there was a contraction.
And when she had a few minutes break, she wrote all the shit she experienced, telling me it was first-hand writing material for her future books. My Angel is a little crazy, but I fucking love that about her.
When she wrote: The worst menstrual cramp as the first statement in her notes, I had to ask what that felt like, considering I don't have a uterus and a vagina.
She laughed and told me: "Imagine that there's an intense pressure on your belly and that you're being ripped open from the inside and multiply that pain by a hundred."
Angela is a goddess for braving through that. I could never.
Overall, it was an amazing experience for both of us when she gave birth to our healthy and beautiful baby girl.
Our daughter was born on August 14 at 10:08 p.m., weighing 7 lbs. I didn't think it was possible to love another human being after all the love I have for Angela. But I loved our daughter ever since she was just a tiny little Bean, and I loved her, even more, when I met her for the first time.
We named her Isla. (Ay-lah)
Though we didn't conceive her in Hillberry Isle, Angela and I thought the name was perfect.
We've had quite an interesting first few months with Isla. Though she's a poop machine, she's been a very good sleeper.
But our super sleeper is currently experiencing some changes. It's two days before Christmas, and she's four months old now, and I think it's one of the most difficult times for us because she's undergoing sleep regression.
It's currently 2:36 in the morning and Isla has been crying for about two minutes. I let Angela sleep through it while I stay up. We're trying to give her a few minutes to fuss and avoid rocking or cuddling as she may self-soothe back to sleep. So I remain in bed until I have to get up.
It's honestly the longest minutes of my life; just listening to her cry squeezes my chest. All I want is to go and pick her up so she knows she's loved and that she's not abandoned. We've learned that there are many ways how to handle this, and Angela and I decided to take this route.
"Babe…" Angela sleepily mutters and I press a kiss on her temple.
"I'll go."
I swing my legs off the bed and walk over to the crib. The room is dark, but just the moon casting its light through the windows is enough to see my daughter.
"Hi, Isa…" I say in a soothing voice while softly rubbing her tummy. I think my mother would get a kick out of having the same nickname.
Isla stares at me like I have all the answers in the world. She's got a head full of hair and they're sticking out in all directions. She reaches a hand out and makes a close-open gesture while kicking her feet, looking like she's frustrated from waking up in the middle of the night.
"I know, baby. Me too," I whisper as I continue stroking her belly.
Angela's exhausted. I'm exhausted. Isla's exhausted. It really is frustrating and it's been a week like this. I know this will pass, and we can't wait for that to happen. But one thing that I always remember is that every moment is precious, so even though this is currently hard, we savor it. I have so much respect for parents. I'm glad I'm doing this with Angela.
After a couple of minutes, Isla calms down and she's blinking slowly. I lay a kiss on her forehead and quietly leave the crib so she could go back to sleep. Thankfully, she didn't cry anymore after that.
I go back to bed and pull Angela to my chest. Now I'm the one who needs to be soothed.
"Thank you…" She mumbles against my chest and nuzzles.
"Mm." Tightening my arms around her, I whisper into her hair. "Thank you for being the mother of my child."
***
~Angela~
It's Christmas again! How time flies by so fast, I have no idea. This time last year, I wasn't even aware yet that I was pregnant. Now, our daughter is four months old!
I'm a new mother and Gael, a new dad, so there are so many things we learn every day. Sometimes, we don't even know if we're doing it right. We follow our gut or do a ton of quick research because even after reading so many books, we don't know all the answers.
There are several things I realized over time.
I wish someone told me how hard breastfeeding is. All I've heard was how natural it is, and I agree—it is. But on the first couple of days, I was feeding for 2-4 hours and what seems like a thousand times a day. My nipples were friggin' sore and I felt like a zombie. It was uncomfortable. Thank goodness for nipple creams!
Nowadays, Isla's feeding time is around 5-10 minutes. I'm getting good at it too, pumping several times a day and keeping them in the fridge or freezer. Gael found this lactation brownies recipe that's so delicious, that I had to ask him to make a few batches at a time. How cool is my husband?
I also wish people had told me how caring for a newborn or a baby, in general, is so consuming. I always find myself depleted with energy for constantly having to be ready for someone else 24/7.
But I'm so blessed that Gael is present with me throughout all of this. He started working from home a few times a week too so I can have some time to breathe. It's been months since I worked on a book and I'm torn between writing again or just putting it aside for a while so I can focus on Isla.
It's not about money—it never was. But I feel "me" whenever I write. It's a time I can be with myself and just let go of all the crazy ideas I have in my head.
My husband must've noticed something over the past few weeks because last week, he sat me down and encouraged me to try writing again.
"You're not only my wife or Isla's mother. You're also Angela," he told me. "You became a mother, but that doesn't mean you should forget who you are and what makes you happy aside from the two of us."
To say that I'm surprised is an understatement. I haven't even told him I missed writing. And I'm not surprised because I didn't think he'd be thoughtful, I'm just amazed that even after all this time, Gael has been selfless—especially when it comes to me and our daughter. He's just been an amazing partner.
I'm so touched that I gave him the best blowjob of his life that night.
So now, here I am at almost six in the morning, writing chapter two of my current book: Wicked Bride.
I've had my coffee and I'm writing early in the morning so I can focus on Isla for the rest of the day. She will be waking up soon and I think I'll be finished just in time.
I get lost for a while, typing the scene I see in my head. Once the chapter ends, it's already fifteen minutes after six. I quickly clean up my desk and go to her crib, knowing she must already be awake. I can't wait to smell her.
As I enter the room, though, she's not in the crib. I peek around the corner and just as I thought, Gael is on a recliner with Isla in his arms.
I didn't think he could get any hotter. But Gael as the father of my baby? I fan myself.
What's even better? He's shirtless in grey joggers. I think my ovaries just exploded.
I take a moment to watch the two. My husband and our daughter bonding is the highlight of my day. As much as I love caring for Isla, I also love watching the father and daughter together. The sight makes my heart full.
He looks up as if sensing my presence and smiles at me. "Good morning."
"Good morning." I take Isla from him and he navigates me to sit on his lap sideways so that he's holding both of us. I relish the heat from his skin and the small bundle of warmth in my arms.
"Hi…" I lightly stroke Isla's chest and she beams a toothless smile, her hand reaching for my face and I lean into it, kissing her little hand.
Every time she does that, I feel flutters in my belly. I feel so proud that she's ours.
"I love you," Gael whispers to my ear and kisses the corner of my lips.
Right as he said that, Isla giggles, making us laugh.
"I love you too," I tell him, and then I touch our daughter's cheek as I coo, "And you too, Isla."
One more thing I'm reminded of every time about our little family is that no matter how hard it is being parents… It's all worth it.