The Scars

He looked over his shoulder and his eyes drifted on me. My feet automatically darted back. His existence turned the day even hotter. After parking his motorcycle, that conceited boy came near to me. Before he managed to get closer, I swiveled and took my steps away. Woefully, it was too late. I had to quit when his hand gripped mine. My power could not save me from his seize.    

    

“Is it a pride to hurt a week girl like me?” He finally let go of my hand which had reddened. His grip was too strong.    

    

“I come here to beg for your forgiveness.”    

    

“What? After all what you have done, do you think an apology is enough? Do you realize the effect of your action? No, you don’t. NEVER. Your life gives you privilege to do whatever you want so that you never see the other sides of life. You are not aware of what life means to other people. You don’t understand how others fight for their life because you...do not need to work hard in your whole life. You can get all you need with one order. All people around you will do as what you ask them to.”    

    

“Are you done?”    

    

“Not yet! You don’t deserve my pardon.” I left him with satisfaction. But, then his voice stopped me from taking more steps.    

    

“Are you curious about why I hate Reno?” I froze. “My father only loves Reno. It is only Reno in his heart. Do you want to know what he said at my eighth birthday?” I turned to him before he continued his babble.    

    

“Your family matter is none of my business.”    

    

“He said that he had only one son, that’s Reno just because I embarrassed him in front of his guests with bad grades in my report card. He always compared me to Reno who is intelligent. For him, I was useless since I never have best academic record like Reno.” I kept following my steps. “That’s why I utilized you as a means to ruin Reno’s good record and keep him away from our life.” I paused. “My father is going to send him abroad. Without Reno, I will be his only focus. That’s what I have planned, separating Reno from our father.”    

    

“And you did it! Congratulations, you win!” I resumed my journey. Vaguely, I heard he said sorry one more time. Yet, I no longer care. My heart never gave him a room as a friend or even as a stranger.    

    

I got home after a long tiring journey. It was not only my body which got fed up, that tragedy in the library and cyber bullying toward me on social media impacted my mental health. Unfortunately, consulting my issue to a psychologist was something I could not make it. The charge was so expensive. I did not want get disheartened. After all, I had been free from those who bullied me.    

    

Toppling myself in the seat, I was thinking of way how to ensure my mother that I intended to drop out from school. It was not an easy thing. My mother was the one who always motivated me to pursue high education, something she never had an opportunity to achieve. She was smart but poverty snatched all her chance to have a better future. Her parents died due to the accident when she was just seven. She had been through hardship. And I was going to add more grief into her life. I was in dilemma. I could not imagine how she would react on my decision to quit. She would be wrathful or hurtful, at a time.    

    

I stood up and in a minute walked back and forth. As her only child, I was the one she could rely on. I was her only hope and future. What would happen if she found out that her only child annihilated her future? I raked my messy hair with my finger. That was the habit I was used to doing since I was child. It was to refresh my mind.    

    

“Ilana, what’s wrong with you?” My mother had stood behind me, She just arrived from work.    

    

“Mom... it’s nothing.” My lips trembled.    

    

“Do you have problem?” Sometimes, I felt that my mother could read my mind. It was like telepathy ability or something. But believe it or not, sometimes telepathy could connect two hearts, mother and her daughter. I was not fully convinced. The fact, my mother always could guess whenever I had problem.    

    

“No, I am just weary.”    

    

“You can’t lie to me. Take a rest. You can talk to me later when you are ready.” She walked past me.    

    

I could not sleep. My mother was in my thought at this time. I would not go to school starting tomorrow. How could I explain why? Would she be fine if told her the truth? Two sides of my heart were still debating on which option I picked, to keep it a secret or tell her the truth. If I hid this from her, what did I have to say as an excuse of not going to school? It was almost impossible to say what it really was. Acting out that I still studied in that school was not a guarantee that she would never find out what happened.    

    

Drowsiness defeated me. I fell asleep until the morning came. It was too fast. My mother was still at home. It seemed she would go nowhere today. I still stayed in the bedroom. Her voice rustled on my ears like wind. She called me out.    

    

“Yes, Mom.”    

    

“You’re going to be late.” She prattled    

    

“Mom, there is something I need to tell you.” I headed to my mother who was sitting on the chair and kneeled before her. I stared at her lap with palm of my hands pressed on the floor to strengthen me. “I......” She focused all her ears on me. She was waiting for my next words. “I.....”    

    

“Don’t hesitate. Just let me know if you need something.” She stroked my hair.    

    

“I have decided to quit, dropping out of school.” My words boomed her. The dark skin of her face turned into red like a fire. She was trying to hold back her rage. Instead of scolding me, she asked me to repeat what I just said. “I want to quit, Mom.”    

    

Her body collapsed. I screamed for help. Nobody heard.